heres a poem written by my best friend, Cass/KG/Whatever! But its really really good! :D (Whats new there! ^_^)

Why?

One tragic day in April,
At the start of the school day,
Two boys come in and one exclaims,
Lets make those bastards pay!
The ricochet of bullets,
The cries of those despaired,
The boys just kept on shooting,
They never really cared.
The shower of the shrapnel,
It never seemed to end,
But little did those children know,
The horror just began.
Victims trapped inside of rooms,
As the two boys outside cheered.
Look, there! We killed the nigger,
But our works not quite done here!
We must kill the weak and homeless,
And people big and small,
The Jews the poor the mentally slow,
Lets kill anyone at all!
One teacher tried to warn them,
But hes just slightly late.
He tried to help and then got killed,
It must have been is fate.
Why didnt anyone tell,
About the gangs that killed that day?
Why couldnt the boys,
Have thought of a better way?
Parents outside crying as
Their children are brought out dead.
Stunned by the fact they were given,
Death wishes made of lead.
This tragedy could have been prevented
If people tried to stop.
The gangs in town, or paid attention,
Or just employed a cop.

Jenny was so happy about the house they found
Once in her life twas on the right side of town
she unpacked her thinkgs with such great ease
she watched her new curtains blow in the breeze
how wonderful it was to have her own room
school would be starting, she'd have friends over soon
she'd have have parties and sleepovers she was so happy
it was just the way she wanted her life to be
one the first day of school everything went great
she made new friends and even got a date
she thought, "I want to be popular and I'm going to be
because i just got a date with the star of the team!"
To be know in this school you had to have a clout,
And dating this guy would sure help her out
There was only one problem stopping her fate,
he parents had said she was too young to day.
"Well, I just wont tell them the entire truth.
They wont know the dirrerence what's there to lose?"
Jenny asked to stay with her friends that night.
Her parents frowned but said, "all right."
Excited, she got ready for the big event
But as she rushed around like she had no sense,
She bagan to feel guilyt about all the lies,
But whats a pizza, a party, and a moonlight ride?
Well the pizza was good and the party was great,
but the moonlight ride will just have to wait.
For Jeff was half drunk by the time
But he kissed her ans said that he was just fine.
Then the room filled with smoke and Jeff took a puff.
jenny coudnt believe he was smoking that stuff.
Now Jeff was ready to ride to the point
But only after he'd smoked another joint.
They jumped in the car for the moonlight rid,
Not thinking that he was too drunk to drive.
They finally made it to the point at last,
And jeff started trying to made a pass
A pass is not what jenny wanted at all
(and by pass, I dont mean playing football._
"perhaps my parents were right.... maybe I am too young.
Boy, how could I ever, ever be so dumb."
With all of her might, she pushed jeff away:
"Please take me home, I dont want to stay."
jeff cranked up the engine and floored the gas
In a matter of seconds they were going to fast.
as jeff drone on in a fit of wild anger,
jenny know that her life was in danger.
She begged and pleaded for him to slow down
But he just hot faster as they neared the town.
"Just let me get home! i'll confess that I lied.
I really went out for a moonlight ride."
Then all of a sudden, she waw a big flash
"Oh God, please help us! We're going to crash!"
She doesnt remember the force of impact.
just that everythin all of a sudden went black.
She felt someone remover from the twisted rubble,
And heard, "Call an ambulance! These kids are in trouble!"
voices she heard. . . a few words at best
But she knew there were two cars involved in the wrick.
Then wondered to herself if jeff was all right,
And if the people in the other car were alive.
She awoke in the hospital to faces so sad.
"You've been in a wreck and it looks pretty bad."
These voices echoed inside her head.
As they gently told her that Jeff was dead.
They said "jenny, we've done all we can do.
But it looks as if we'll lose you too."
"But the people in the other car!?" Jenny cried.
"We're sorry, jenny they also died."
Jenny prayed. "God forgive me for what I've done
I only wanted to have jsut one night of fun."
"tell mom and dad i'm sorry i lied.
Anth that its my fault so many have died.
Oh, nurse won't you please tell them that for me?"
The nurse just stook there she never agreed.
But took jenny's had with tears in her eyes,
And a few moments later jenny died.
A man asked the nurse, "Why didnt you do your best
To bid that girl her one last rquest?"
She looked at the man with eyes oh so sad,
"Because the people in the other car were her mom and dad."

It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.

The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."

The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."

Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.

He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad plays hockey for Team USA, and I was just too embarrassed to say so."

The Horse And The Chicken

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again and the chicken falls into the mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse says, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretches over the width of the hole and says, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up a chick.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

.......Finally, a smart blonde joke

Living on Earth is expensive,
but it does include a free trip
around the sun every year.

How long a minute is
depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.

Birthdays are good for you;
the more you have,
the longer you live.

Happiness comes through doors you
didn't even know you left open.


Ever notice that the people who are late
are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them?


Most of us go to our grave
with our music still inside of us.

If Walmart is lowering prices every day,
how come nothing is free yet?


You may be only one person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun
to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over;
smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty,
some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colors....but
they all exist very nicely in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who
can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"
Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here." The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied, "To him?

Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

Moral of the story .............. never lie to girls.

1. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

2. Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
3. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

4. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They don't stop and ask for directions.
5. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.

6. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.

7. Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

8. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know; it has never happened.

9. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They already have boyfriends.
10. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
11. When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.

12. Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed... married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

13. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
14. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married
15. Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

* In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomedthrough stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair)

2. On a bag of Fritos:"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (Evidently, the shoplifter special)

3. On a bar of Dial soap:"Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how...?)

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners:"Serving suggestions: Defrost." (But it's just a suggestion)

5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):"Do not turn upside down." (Oops, too late!)

6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows the day . . . .)

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:"Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save even more time?)

8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

10. On most brands of Christmas lights:"For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)

11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts." (NEWS FLASH)

13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta.)

14. On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)

15. On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?...Good grief)

16. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: "Do not use on food." (Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's OK honey just grab the Palmolive!)

18. On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent: "Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine." (Hey kids, no more swimming in the washing machine).

Girl Poem

A poem for us....

I shave my legs,
I sit down to pee.
And I can justify
any shopping spree.

Don't go to a barber,
but a beauty salon.
I can get a massage
without a hard-on.

I can balance the checkbook,
I can pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends,
about the size of my ass.

My beauty's a masterpiece,
and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit,
to others when I'm wrong.

I don't drive in circles,
at any cost.
And I don't have a problem,
admitting I'm lost.

I never forget,
an important date.
You just gotta deal with it,
I'm usually late.

I don't watch movies,
with lots of gore.
Don't need instant replay,
to remember the score.

I won't lose my hair,
I don't get jock itch.
And just cause I'm assertive,
Don't call me a bitch.

Don't say to your friends,
Oh yeah, I can get her.
In your dreams, my dear,
I can do better!

Flowers are okay,
But jewelry's best.
Look at me you idiot...
Not at my chest????

I don't have a problem,
With Expressing my feelings.
I know when you're lying,
You look at the ceiling.

DON'T call me a GIRL ,
a BABE or a CHICK .

I am a WOMAN.

Get it?, you DICK!?!

Canada kicks Butt.
(Now does Canada kick butt or what ?)
So, what do Canadians have to be proud of?
-Smarties, Crispy Crunch & Coffee Crisp.
-The size of our footballs fields and one less Down.
-Baseball is Canadian.
-Lacrosse is Canadian.
-Hockey is Canadian.
-Basketball is Canadian.
-Apple pie is Canadian.
-Mr. Dress-up kicks Mr. Rogers ass.
-Tim Hortons kicks Dunkin' Donuts ass.
-In the war of 1812, started by America, Canadians pushed the Americans back...past their 'White House'.
Then we burned it... and most of Washington, under the command of William Lyon McKenzie who was insane and hammered all the time. We got bored because they ran away, so we came home and partied ... Go figure...
-Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.
-We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere.
-Our civil war was a bar fight that lasted a little over an hour.
-The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing...but showed up just in time to get caught.
-We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.
-The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the worlds oldest company.
-The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.
-We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.
-We don't marry our kin-folk.
-We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis, the telephone and short wave radios that save countless lives each year.
-We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.

BUT MOST IMPORTANT!

....the handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.

OOOOoohhhhh Canada!! Oh yeah... and our elections only take one day.

And God populated the earth with broccoli and
cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables
of all kinds, so Man would live long and healthy
lives.

But Satan created McDonalds. And McDonalds brought
forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And McDonalds
said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said,
"Supersize them." And Man gained pounds.


And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." But Satan
created ice cream. And man gained pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy
vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
But Satan created chicken-fried steak so big it needs
its own platter. And Man gained pounds and his bad
cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved
to lose those extra pounds. But Satan created cable TV
with remote control so Man would not have to toil to
change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. So Man watched
others exercise and Man gained pounds.

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable
naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. But
Satan created deep- fat fried potatoes called potato
chips and sour cream dip. And Man clutched his remote
control and ate the potato chips swaddled in
cholesterol.

It tasted good but Man went into cardiac arrest. And
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
But Satan ran Alberta Health Care.

A blonde was driving home after a Redskins game, and got caught in a
really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day
she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some
fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really
hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
blowing into her cars tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little
harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came
home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow
into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, ...
"HELLLLO!" "You need to roll up the windows."

A blonde was driving home after a Redskins game, and got caught in a
really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day
she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some
fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really
hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
blowing into her cars tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little
harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came
home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow
into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, ...
"HELLLLO!" "You need to roll up the windows."

A Fly's Story
Once upon a time,
there was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn
when it happened upon a large pile of fresh cow manure.
Since it had been hours since it's last meal and it was feeling hunger pains, it flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to pig out.
The fly ate and ate and ate...and then...it ate some more!!!
Finally, the fly decided it had had plenty.
The fly washed it's face with it's tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away.
But alas...the fly had eaten far too much and could not get off the ground. Wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation, the fly looked around and spotted a pitchfork
leaning upright against the barn wall. The fly had found a solution!! It realized if it could just climb up that handle and jump off to become airborne it would be able to fly again. So, the fly painstakingly climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, it took a deep breath, spread it's tiny little wings, and leaped confidently into the air.
The fly dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor.
-
-
-
DEAD FLY
-
-
What is the moral of this sad story?
-
-
-
"Never fly off the handle when you know you are full of shit."

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE , THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED...


1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4) Never ask your year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
-----------------------------------
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE ,THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED...

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
-----------------------------------
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD...

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

-------------------------------------------------
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
-------------------------------------------------
SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . .having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

A Woman's Facts About Men

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a
world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident
that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he
concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he
coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really
in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the
morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under
my pillow, instead of a gun.

8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaners. These men
usually have jobs and bathe.

9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our
relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of
even General Schwarzkopf.

10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire
and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two
types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy
and not nerdy.

12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your
heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man.
Men are like portable heaters that snore.

13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never
seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so
embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a
black tuxedo."

14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is
usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches
from the door.

15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains
three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right,"
and if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a
psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-
butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on
record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen
the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I
emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are
outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't
forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just
didn't want to call you.

23. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a
problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might
sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I
suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to
have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

24. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with
super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up
identifying with Barbie.

25. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With
female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male
menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

26. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

27. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've
already forgotten what happened

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven... Don't step on the ducks."So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck. Along comes St. Peter with another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. Then, one day, St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... tall, muscular and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."